Just me & the bandit.

Much in need of an update I suppose. Well. The house is all mine now. And I have a couch. Finally.
Ok, I feel the need to ramble on. So I will.
-I have made a good girlfriend who I'm really a little confused with the friendship at this point. Yea, I can't figure that out. There's something I can't put my finger on as to what this girl is thinking when it comes to me. She is either just very much in need of a friend, or doesn't realize she's being overbearing, or something else. Kind of strange. I don't know.
-Why. can't. I. break. ties. with. this. man? Am I really so weak I can't handle the confrontation, even though we uh, have confrontation! every day that I keep allowing him to be in my life!? I wouldn't let anyone else in my life treat me this way, why do I let him? And I'm sitting here stewing and suffering because there's other things I'd like to do with myself and even simply with my time, but no, I keep myself in this hole. I don't understand.
-Money-surprisingly no issues. Doing quite well. I don't know why, but I'm doing alright.
-Self-I'm doing ok. Or not. As far as my recent really freaking terrible bout with some self-image issues, that seems to have gone by the wayside. And I'm ok. I feel like death. But I'm ok.

I need to stop lying to myself.

How??

How as a woman do you overcome self esteem/worth/body issues?
I feel really immature even just writing this, but I'm having a tough time.
I feel like everywhere I look there are beautiful women, smart women, better than myself.

How do I get past fixating on what I am or am not on the outside to recognize that I am amazing inside?

Nice to meet you!

So I'm perplexed about where a gal like me finds a good man.
Where are the 30 something men at?
Really I wouldn't know the first place to look.

Plan of Action

So, since my life will be turning a new page as soon as the now ex(hooray!)-boyfriend moves his things out of my house, I figured I should assume some kind of plan of action for the new change in my life.
1. Find living room furniture. I've got a couch offered by my mom she could bring down. (Geez, do I feel 21 again or what.) And my boss asked me if I wanted an entertainment center. Yes!
Everything else in the house is mine. I'll watch tv on the floor if I have to for awhile. Little man probably wouldn't be too bothered by that at all.
2. Clean and purge all the "him" stuff. Theraputic, and OCD. Just is.

Really, that's the first steps. Just living day to day will be the hardest part for awhile. I can't even find words to explain the relief I feel though. No more misery.

Carry the Confidence

I just read a book yesterday that had a one paragraph part where the woman is needing confidence so she was advised by someone to remember something about "Carry the Confidence". I don't even remember what or why the phrase was used for the fictional character.. but it's stuck with ME. Like a mantra of sorts. I've been struggling with confidence and worth issues for a long time, months good, months bad, and just now coming out of one of the bad spells. I need to FOCUS on carrying the confidence, and have it STAY with me. I feel really alive today, and really good about myself. I was walking in a parking lot the other day and started feeling anxious, everyone is looking at me, etc etc and I stood up straighter, walked taller, and said to myself "wtf. you are a strong sexy mother, you can do anything. you can do THIS." and the moment passed. I know that probably sounds ridiculous to other people, which is why I'm here.. talking to a blog.. but it was really good for me!

Even in the midst of all the confusion about what I'm doing with my relationship and the choices I'm struggling with there, I feel like I'm being reborn. Coming out of the funk. It's so good. My adjectives are off today. So good. Soooo good. :)

What I'm trying to say is, good job self. We're getting somewhere.

Supersede

I intend to use this blog to say the things out loud that you can't really ever say to another person. Unless you've happened to find someone you can trust with your everything, lucky you.
And I also will throw in some randomness, and some personal finance stuff as well.

So for today:

I'm planning on finding out how much it costs to get a safety deposit box at the bank. Why? Because if I ever remarry, or continue on in relationships that don't suit me with people who may destroy me, I'd like to have somewhere to put my super-secret things, and stash cash that will always be only mine. Pretty messed up way of thinking right. If you only knew. Anyways, I've managed to save $300 in the new checking account I've opened in addition to my regular one. I'm treating it as a savings. Or you know, the "today's the day I kick out my boyfriend-fund". Either way. Life will certainly look better after I've done my taxes and received my refund. I can pay down my credit cards, put more away, and perhaps buy myself or the kiddo something special.

That is all.

First Question

If your gut and heart are overwhelmingly telling you something, and you choose to ignore those thoughts and go a different way for whatever reason, easier, more comfortable with something you've done for a long time, scared of personal trauma, resisting change, etc, is it guaranteed to not work out you think?

Dear Stranger

Dear Stranger,
I am here now. Maybe you won't turn out to be anyone but my own thoughts bouncing around with what I manage to get out into this blog. But maybe you'll turn out to be a random reader with a word of advice or hope for me. I need people, I need to be surrounded. Whether again it's just me being here and putting out into the world the thoughts in my head, or knowing someone else somewhere reads what I say. I'm lonely for that connection. Thank you. Whatever may come, I'm here. I'm here now.

Mama Jean